And so, summer has finally ended, just how it began. By chance or not, the very beginning and end of my summer were marked by the same company of two close friends, EJ and Jeremy. I have had an interesting summer, although I imagine most summers throughout my life have been and will continue to be “interesting”, each in their own particular way. At this time, I can’t yet fully grasp all that has happened this summer. I’ve written it down and catalogued it for a later time, but it’s not for posting or reflection just yet.
This morning, I finished reading the Lord of the Rings (not including the appendices) for the very first time and have fallen in love with Middle-Earth. I’d like to read the Silmarillion sometime soon, but I think I will take my leave from Tolkien-lore for a short time to catch up on other good reads.
And now, autumn approaches, and I am looking forward to the changing of the seasons. I do particularly enjoy the fall and would usually consider it to be my favorite time of the year. I know not what the fall semester has in store for me, but I await the next few months with an open mind.
After a couple days filled with tumultuous anxiety, I decided I did not want to be obligated to work out for an entire year, and cancelled my contract with CFF. I did, in the meantime, investigate other local gyms to see their prices. 24 Hour Fitness is certainly my first choice, if I were to indeed begin a gym membership. However, right now my primary concern lies with beginning school on the right foot and getting a solid grasp on my classes and the transfer applications soon to come. Should be funsies.
Just joined a gym. This is my first time doing so, and I have to admit I’m a bit intimidated. Not only by the people, but also by the damn fees. Jesus, it’s expensive ($40 initiation, plus $50/mo for 12 mo - that comes out to be $628 for one year - I don’t have that kind of money to throw around!!!). I wish I went to a school that let you have access to their facilities without having to enroll in a specific class.
However, I’ve wanted to try out a gym for a while now, I just never felt the need to pay so much for it. Unfortunately, I need to get back in shape, per my new doctor’s orders. Well, I’m not out of shape, but he believe aerobic activities will stimulate my joints to help relieve and fix my back pain. So I found the closest gym to me, with a pool, so I could swim if I wanted. It’s open almost 24 hours a day, so that’s nice. They’ve also got classes that I can drop in on and I have access to all CFF locations. Still, I don’t know if this was the right call. It certainly would have been cheaper somewhere else, but then maybe I’m paying for the hours and the pool. I guess I’ve got a week to cancel if I feel like it.
If anyone has experience with gyms, knows of better or cheaper places, or has any recommendations at all, please let me know ASAP.
I don’t know why I’m like this, but I just have trouble staying interested in girls. It’s like initially I’m attracted, but the more I get to know someone, the less I interested I become. It sucks, cause I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be truly happy with someone. Maybe I’m being too picky, but I just don’t think anything will work out in the long run.
I think subconsciously I make a mental list of pros and cons, and while I’m interested, I only see the pros (sometimes intentionally), but at some point, reality hits me, and I start to consider the cons. Maybe its some kind of coping mechanism so I’ll feel better by having a logical explanation about whatever didn’t happen, or maybe I’m being too analytical. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stay blissfully ignorant in any sort of relationship sense.
Sometimes I feel like the fun part of me died when I got stuck in Sacramento. I have trouble seeing anything in gray anymore. Maybe gray isn’t the best word, but I tend to categorize things in just black or white so it’s easier for my mathematical mind. But there’s a whole spectrum of colors in between that make up life; emotions and feelings and things, and I still haven’t figured out what they mean. I think I prefer having one right answer instead of many simply because it’s easier for me to understand that way.
So when it comes to girls, it’s yes or no, but there is currently no “in between” for me. Perhaps that’s what dates are for, but then again you need a date first. I haven’t made a lot of permanent friends here, for some reason I always feel they’re somewhat temporary. Most of my closest friends are still the ones I knew in high school, and I rarely talk to most of them. Kind of sad, but people here frustrate me most of the time. They tend to be tedious and immature, and I just can’t get along with them.
I have become very calloused to humanity. Somedays I think I become more emotionless to deal with everything, but at the same time I wish I had better friends. It’s a terrible cycle in which I push people away, but expect something from them in return. Maybe I’ll figure it out someday soon.
I have created a second tumblr, found here at astronauticalvoyager.tumblr.com. It’s a work in progress, but I intend to update it more frequently than this one. Also, it is intended to be more public and fun. Enjoy.
What do I think about on Christmas Eve, you might ask? The most depressing things. I don’t know why, but I tend to get moody around holidays. Not just Christmas, but most holidays in general. I’m still trying to figure out why, but I tend to feel loneliest on holidays. I mean, I see my family and I enjoy it for the most part, but I still have this odd sensation of being alone and I don’t know why. Also, getting drunk because of certain social holiday expectations has mostly lost its luster for me too. I’ve been sober since August 4th, and that really surprises me sometimes.
I think my winter break thus far has felt different because I no longer am employed. Since I don’t have to go to work a few days out of the week, I have nothing to do. Literally no obligations whatsoever. No homework, no cleaning my room, nothing. I have felt this same feeling many times throughout the semester, but sparingly, since Fridays only come once a week. But now everyday is a Friday, and it’s killing me.
I have also come to the realization that I will be in Sacramento for another year of my life. At times, when I’m busy with schoolwork in the middle of the semester, it isn’t bad at all. Because I don’t have a chance to reflect on it. But when I have some time alone, I realize that all my friends will probably be graduating next school year, and I will just be completely my transfer agreements. Then at least two more years at a university for me. Whoopity-freaking-do. Congratulations Andrew, American River College isn’t that bad. You’re just two years behind everybody else.
I truly believe something good was supposed to come out of my father losing his job a few years ago, and our decision for me to attend ARC instead. And I have to admit, I probably wouldn’t have pursued Aerospace Engineering to the extent I am now. I know that for sure, since Gonzaga does not offer that major. But maybe I would have become some sort of science major. Who knows? It’s in the past now and I rarely revisit the “what-might-have-beens” of my life.
I don’t know if I believe in God anymore. Not because of my current situation, just because I don’t know if God exists. I want to pray sometimes, but it tends to be selfish and I don’t expect answers anymore. I do try to live my life as a kind, moral person regardless of whether any particular religion says is necessary to gain passage to an afterlife, but that doesn’t always happen anymore. Fuck, I’d love to go to heaven. I just don’t know that it exists. Maybe it does. Maybe I’ll get to talk to all the people I never had time to in my life. Maybe I’ll see my diseased relatives and friends and all the amazing human beings I never had the chance to meet. But I’m not completely convinced. Maybe it’s not that I don’t believe in God, but rather I don’t believe in religion. If there is a God, I’m pretty sure he’s not Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, or any other religious denomination. They’re all too small if God really exists.
I could really go on, and on, and on with many other things related to this post, but I’ve decided to end it here. Typing is always much harder to get my thoughts across.
Anyway, dear reader, I hope you enjoy your Christmas! May your days be merry, and bright…
(PS: Sorry for rambling, lack of consistency, and possibly grammatical mistakes. I wasn’t really paying that much attention this time.)
Waiting for a girl to call or text you back is possibly the worst thing ever. Like probably worse than dying, cause at least there’s some finality in that. Normally, I’m almost always patient but my weakness is women. Fuck my stupid feelings for being this way.
Hope you all are doing well. Mainly publishing this since I haven’t been on in a while and it’s a dull Friday afternoon/evening in Sacramento.
I am doing very well, and life is actually quite amazing. I’m right about halfway through the semester, and definitely have strong A’s in Physics and Calculus II (like borderline 100%). I have also come the the conclusion that a math-oriented field was where I was meant to be. So that, in combination with my fascination for NASA, outer space, flight, and all other physical wonders man has built or discovered, I have decided to pursue Aerospace Engineering. Now I just have to find the right school to finish off my studies. Fun stuff, senior year all over again. Except I’ll probably still be at ARC next fall to take some engineering classes and other prerequisites. Not so fun. As much as I enjoy solitude, sometimes it can be too much (like Fridays, for example). I have become more involved in school activities in my leave of absence from Raley’s, which is a good experience for me. And I meet cool people who share my enthusiasm for science and math!
However, this whole back thing keeping me from working and doing almost anything physical is really getting quite old. That’s really the only damper on my life right now. It’s been since approximately May that I’ve been experiencing low back pain, and although it isn’t constant, it really hasn’t gotten better. Even without work, the longer my day is, and the longer I have to stand or sit without laying down makes things worse. So I’m scheduled to see the “back specialist” on November 14th. Hopefully, we’ll find out what’s wrong and that it won’t be too bad. But overall, that really hasn’t kept me down mentally, just physically.
Lastly for this post, I am going to a orchestral concert with a girl tonight in a little bit. We’ve hung out a few times over the last year, mostly casual, no real “date” stuff, but I do get a strong feeling that she’s quite into me. So she invited me tonight because she has to go for a class, and I said sure. Not super excited, but we’ll see how it goes. She’s very nice, and quite cute, but seems too be a little too shy for me sometimes. Honestly, I do like being single, but occasionally, I wonder if I should try dating again. Several girls come into mind, some whose numbers I don’t actually have, so not an option at the moment. But I’ve never really decided I’ve wanted to give up being free and single, so I haven’t actively pursued spittin’ game. Maybe tonight will bring some answers to some of those questions. Again, I guess we’ll see how things play out.
So for now, take care and much love from Sacramento,
I’m waiting for the beginning of the SpaceX Falcon 9/Dragon launch to start in approximately 45 minutes from now (very excited, losing sleep over this!), so I created a twitter. Check it out: @AndrewQuesada10. Not sure how public I want it to be yet, but I’m guessing/aiming somewhere between tumblr (very private) and Facebook (very public among friends- but also has not existed very much the last year and half or so.) Also, if anyone reading this happens to have any good pictures of me, or wants to take a picture of me, that would be appreciated. Apparently, I haven’t taken any pictures, like ever, and all my photos on Facebook have been leeched from other people’s profiles. So that would be cool if I had a picture for my new twitter account.
“I have nothing now but praise for my life. I’m not unhappy. I cry a lot because I miss people. They die and I can’t stop them. They leave me and I love them more. … What I dread is the isolation. … There are so many beautiful things in the world which I will have to leave when I die, but I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready.”—Maurice Sendak on Fresh Air in 2011. [all interviews with Sendak here] (via nprfreshair)
Great pick in AJ Jenkins. Looking forward to seeing him play, although I don’t know much about him. In Trent Baalke I trust! Also, one of my favorite players, (if not my favorite college player) LaMichael James, from my favorite college football team, the University of Oregon, is drafted to my favorite NFL team and all-time favorite sports team, the San Francisco 49ers. I think he has a lot of room to develop with huge potential underneath veteran pro-bowler Frank Gore, sophomore Kendall Hunter (who I thought did quite well last year), Anthony Dixon, and new addition veteran Brandon Jacobs. Very excited for this year! Gettin’ stacked on the O! Very, very excited to say the least! 49er Faithful Baby!!!
Incredibly frustrated with the results of my last two exams in chemistry and precalculus, respectively. Both are mainly review classes since I haven’t taken either since Jesuit (and Chemistry junior year), but are still 5 units each and prerequisites for further pursuits in math and science. It’s frustrating that I understand the concepts and how to solve everything on the test, but I get docked on points because I should have rounded to one less significant figure, or included extraneous solutions and showed that they do not work for real ones, etc. Or when I have to use a new calculator because mine is too advanced, so the new one can’t compute for shit and you have to type like one number a minute otherwise it won’t register. Just incredibly stupid loss of points when I understand everything completely fine. Just so annoying. So whatever. I screwed myself on a little bit of the chemistry anyway. I wasn’t sure if I was doing it right, so I calculated it out and got an answer (the right answer—for two different problems!) but didn’t write any work or answers on the test because I was going to come back later and make sure I did it right. But I didn’t. So I broke the first rule of test taking in not writing anything cause I’m a dumbass. So anyway, whatever, I’ll still get A’s in both classes I just ran out of a little bit of breathing room for later on two easy tests that I should have gotten 100% on, but received much lower than expected. Oh well. Gotta run this frustration off now, take a quick nap, and forget about today. Moving on!
"What can you tell a young man looking for motivation in life itself?"
"The problem, often not discovered until late in life, is that when you look for things in life like love, meaning, motivation, it implies they are sitting behind a tree or under a rock. The most successful people in life recognize, that in life they create their own love, they manufacture their own meaning, they generate their own motivation.
For me, I am driven by two main philosophies, know more today about the world than I knew yesterday. And lessen the suffering of others. You’d be surprised how far that gets you.”
I got out later than I wanted to on Sunday, but I still wanted to get in a solid ride, so I was pushing myself pretty hard (probably 3:15ish minute miles on my bike) from my house (I get on the bike trail at Bannister Park/Sunrise). Not feeling the best but still pushing myself up the hill up the Hazel bridge (it’s actually a pretty good workout). Got to the top and came down the other side next to/underneath the bridge with my momentum building up a little too quickly. Checking for crossing bikes, momentary lapse in attention, turned a fraction of a second too late and couldn’t pull out of the turn in time, nicked the wall, which threw everything off and ended up with me on the ground underneath my bike a few yards later. Some of my skin was scraped off, blood was shed, and I acquired several bruises and a messed up bike (which I was luckily able to fix after a few minutes). People were asking if I was okay, and I was. Then I puked over the edge of the wall onto the rocks under the bridge. And decided to keep going, so I could rinse some of the blood and oil off in the water. Didn’t want to stop, rode to the Folsom Bridge, then came back home before dark. Like a boss. Probably one of the harder times I’ve fallen. My right pinky finger lost so much skin it looks like I burned the top part off. All in all, I’m good. Just a little sore. Remember kids: Always wear your helmets!
Valentine’s Day.. Ah, to be young, and in love. I hope all you suckers who buy chocolates and flowers for your significant other enjoy today. I, on the other hand, am enjoying not wasting my money on girls. Girls are really attractive and stuff, but I am way too much of a guy right now. I don’t really want a relationship, but I still tend to want to spend time with certain girls or meet certain pretty girls that come across my path etc. Bleh. Gross. I disgust myself. I set guidelines against wanting a girl because I don’t want drama in my life and so that I can be efficient in other parts of my life, but then a pretty girl comes up and my own rules go out the door. Damn it, girls, why must you have this effect on me?! I will try to resist your tantalizing aura for now, cause it’s time to get other shit done! I have plenty of years ahead to be cute to you year-round, not just Valentine’s (and plenty of years that I’ll pretty much be required to do some expensive shit on Valentine’s Day too), so I’m glad I’m not wasting this one. For everyone that does partake in being cute on this day, good for you, and hope you have a wonderful day with whoever you choose to spend it with.
“I’ve been hoping for months, hoping for years, hoping I might forget… Ah, but it don’t get much dumber, it don’t get much dumber than trying to forget a girl when you love her.”—"Needing/Getting" OK GO
I suppose this post comes mainly from a small meeting I had with a friend Wednesday afternoon. She is moving to Thailand indefinitely, so we got a peanut butter shake at Sunflower in Fair Oaks (which I’m normally not too keen about, darn vegetarians… :)). We chatted for a little while and she commented on how she wasn’t really too sad about leaving and how she thinks about life differently and sort of made her own thought she thinks about everyday. She doesn’t dwell on the past. Not just in the sense of not thinking about the bad things, but just moving on completely and looking forward into what lies ahead. Simply, that today is the best day of your life. Thinking about it, it seems quite weird. I didn’t do anything special today, or even this week, really. I went to school, took some notes, took some tests, worked at Raley’s, over-thought everything and other “usual” stuff I sometimes might take for granted or describe as “typical bullshit”. But, thinking about it, I’ve lived longer than I ever have before. I’ve had more experience and more knowledge than I’ve ever had before. I have more potential to do whatever I want to do on a daily basis. Not looking at high school saying, “Those were the golden (4) years of my life (,now what?)”. True, there were some of the damn greatest times, experiences, friendships, and lessons I learned in my high school life that I will never ever forget as long as I am alive. But still, consider that the best is always yet to come. At this precise moment in time, as I am writing this, and you are reading this, there is so much that could be in store over the rest of my life, so many amazing people to meet, so many incredible things to do. Consider that this is the farthest you have ever come in your life’s long race, which could go in an unlimited variety of directions. Comparatively, there have been many times which I would be tempted to (or perhaps even would) say were far better days in my life. Yet, I’ve still got the rest of my life to grow old, find love, make new friends, have new “best day ever”s, and an unlimited possibility of experiences that will continue to occur and change and shape me into the greatest person I could ever be, no matter what happens. And I hope that all of you reading this are there for every step of it along with me, and beyond. Much love to all of you tonight, and always.
So, I asked someone to go out to dinner next week, and we’ve made plans to go to The Olive Garden after work at 8. Wow. Thinking about it now, I haven’t legitimately taken a girl out on a date ever, perhaps. Unless you count her driving as me taking her out to dinner but in any case, it’s been two years almost exactly, haha. I’m excited enough to post this on tumblr, but I’m still a little anxious since well.. whatever. But I am looking forward to Friday night!
Other stuff in my life: I’m getting fewer hours, since Raley’s hired a few more courtesy clerks, I rode my bike to the Folsom Bridge (about 24 miles the other day), and things are generally looking up, though I still am a little stuck on the what to do with my life after this year sort of questions… I’m not entirely sure what I want to be when I grow up, nor do I have a particular major that really really really stands out at this point in time. So I haven’t done any work on transferring or otherwise, and it makes me feel like a bum for probably still being in Sacramento next year. But whatever. We’ll see how things turn out I guess. So cross your fingers everything turns out well on Friday and generally in my life!
I was realllyyyy considering asking this girl if she wanted to go out to dinner tomorrow night, but after working an extra hour and coming home, my stomach just feels like shit. I really don’t want to be getting sick right now. One courtesy clerk called in sick, one left early, and one didn’t go home but was indeed sick. I don’t want to push myself right now and relapse or something, but damn it, damn it, damn it, tomorrow night was the only night this week it would have possibly worked because I’m off. I’d like to tell myself that if it was meant to be, then it was meant to be, but that notion just encourages laziness and waiting for things to come to me, which is not how life works. I can wait I guess, but in some ways I’m tired of being a bitch about life and pushing things off for later, which will never come unless I make it happen. I’ve seen too many inspirational videos lately encouraging me to stop being a bum, but I’m not sure in which direction I want to pursue and focus my time and energy. This sucks because I’m starting to feel better now but I feel like its almost too late right now. Plus if I wake up feeling crappy and call it off, I’ll feel terrible. I’m over-thinking the cons right now, as much as I want to do something tomorrow, my gut (literally) is quite possibly telling me to wait and rest. Shit.
I’m going to sleep and cross your fingers I feel better tomorrow either way. I won’t be going out to dinner at this point. I dunno, asking someone tomorrow seems way to soon/quick but I’m a pretty spontaneous guy. Either way, if it was “meant to be” then we’ll have some time to go out next week I guess. Any suggestions? I hate letting things pass me up at this point in my life. I don’t like sitting on the sidelines of my own life. But sometimes I just need a break. And of course at the worst possible times it seems to be (although it’s not really). Goodnight.
I’ve been much more productive than usual this weekend. If this keeps up, I am going to get a lot done this semester. (Staying hopeful!)
Yesterday morning had one of the most beautiful skies I’ve ever seen. It was about 5:45am and the moon was down but the sun had not yet come up. Probably the best star-gazing sky I’ve ever seen in Sacramento. Never occurred to me to go looking at stars at 5:45 in the morning…
I went to my friend Nick’s house tonight and hung out and watched Paranormal Activity with him for the first time. Pretty jumpy movie. Overall, not sure if it’s the scariest movie I’ve seen. Probably not. Blair Witch Project was along the same lines and that creeped me out… I’m sure Paranormal Activity 2 or 3 would be pretty scary though…
I got a haircut and I must say it looks good. When I’m shirtless I think I look damn sexy too. Heyyy ladies…
I just uploaded Seven Swans (Sufjan Stevens), Toy Story (Randy Newman), Wall-E (Thomas Newman), The Suburbs (Arcade Fire), and All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone (Explosions in the Sky). Woot!
Okay, done with Tumblr posts for a while. I need to calm down. Miss you guys mucho and I hope things are well.
Aside from HEAVILY craving a #1 from In-n-Out right now… I’m quite well. Very tired. The last 24-ish hours have been nuts. At work last night, we had our usual “Mr. Anonymous Patron” come in and steal our liquor again. Problem for him is, this is his third week in a row after we’ve got a shipment of Patron, so by now everyone knows by now what he looks like. He comes in shortly after 7 (early for him), when a whole bunch of people clock off, so the front is pretty busy with customers and employees. And apparently, he parks in front of the store, keeps the car running, casually walks in, grabs as much liquor as he can and books it. BUT, “Rex” (aka Chad), our internal security was in last night and monitoring the store and saw this dude from the second he walked in the store. BUT, he couldn’t go down and grab him because he was holding another guy in custody in the back and couldn’t just leave him alone. So he calls security over the intercom and the guy books it out of the store. But there’s so many people in the front, everyone sees him and follows him out to the car idling outside. Hector (our lot security) almost grabbed him but they didn’t catch him before he stepped on the gas halfway into the car. However, everyone got a great look at his license plate, and now the cops know where he lives (but I guess can’t do anything about it now which is stupid).
So where do I fit into this? I saw/followed the guy out (I saw him do it last week and I knew immediately who he was), but Chad needed someone to watch the detainee while he went down to the floor. So I got the lucky job watching some bum named Marvin Gomes with Hector for about 20 minutes or so. Then I got to stay up in the Batcave and watch the security cameras as Chad pulled up all this guys info and files the report. Then the police (K9 Unit) show up and blah blah blah details. Pretty eventful night.
Then I go home and have dinner and dessert. I’m just relaxing on the couch when I start getting the email notifications from the Chamber Choir’s Youtube page via gmail. Comments on the video, whatever, it doesn’t happen much but I figure someone has stumbled upon the video. Then they just keep poring in with subscribers and more comments and more comments, and I’m wondering what the hell is going on. Then I read an email with the comment that Taylor had tweeted this last night and I’m just abfoshfgousahfoaijsfg… So yeah. Crazy night after learning that Taylor Swift tweeted the video…
Today, I opened the store at 6am and I’ve still been getting updates over the last 16 or so hours from the video. Quite awesome, even though I know most the views are from teenage girls who keep comparing Riles to Edward Cullen and shit like that. Sorry Riley. Bleh it’s starting to make me sick… Anyway, Youtube has updated the views to around 28,000 or so but I’m still getting the notifications (a little bit slower now…).
So… now I’m going to continue on with my day and try not think about this anymore because it’s totally distracting. Woo!
TAYLOR SWIFT TWEETED JESUIT CHAMBER CHOIR’S “LOVE STORY”! This is really quite cool! I know I wasn’t in Chamber Choir but I loved that year and I still feel obligated to share this. In retrospect, it was such a great idea to press borrowing the school’s video camera to record the concert that day because I almost didn’t bother with it… Woo! Great job guys!