I don’t know why I’m like this, but I just have trouble staying interested in girls. It’s like initially I’m attracted, but the more I get to know someone, the less I interested I become. It sucks, cause I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be truly happy with someone. Maybe I’m being too picky, but I just don’t think anything will work out in the long run.
I think subconsciously I make a mental list of pros and cons, and while I’m interested, I only see the pros (sometimes intentionally), but at some point, reality hits me, and I start to consider the cons. Maybe its some kind of coping mechanism so I’ll feel better by having a logical explanation about whatever didn’t happen, or maybe I’m being too analytical. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stay blissfully ignorant in any sort of relationship sense.
Sometimes I feel like the fun part of me died when I got stuck in Sacramento. I have trouble seeing anything in gray anymore. Maybe gray isn’t the best word, but I tend to categorize things in just black or white so it’s easier for my mathematical mind. But there’s a whole spectrum of colors in between that make up life; emotions and feelings and things, and I still haven’t figured out what they mean. I think I prefer having one right answer instead of many simply because it’s easier for me to understand that way.
So when it comes to girls, it’s yes or no, but there is currently no “in between” for me. Perhaps that’s what dates are for, but then again you need a date first. I haven’t made a lot of permanent friends here, for some reason I always feel they’re somewhat temporary. Most of my closest friends are still the ones I knew in high school, and I rarely talk to most of them. Kind of sad, but people here frustrate me most of the time. They tend to be tedious and immature, and I just can’t get along with them.
I have become very calloused to humanity. Somedays I think I become more emotionless to deal with everything, but at the same time I wish I had better friends. It’s a terrible cycle in which I push people away, but expect something from them in return. Maybe I’ll figure it out someday soon.