What do I think about on Christmas Eve, you might ask? The most depressing things. I don’t know why, but I tend to get moody around holidays. Not just Christmas, but most holidays in general. I’m still trying to figure out why, but I tend to feel loneliest on holidays. I mean, I see my family and I enjoy it for the most part, but I still have this odd sensation of being alone and I don’t know why. Also, getting drunk because of certain social holiday expectations has mostly lost its luster for me too. I’ve been sober since August 4th, and that really surprises me sometimes.
I think my winter break thus far has felt different because I no longer am employed. Since I don’t have to go to work a few days out of the week, I have nothing to do. Literally no obligations whatsoever. No homework, no cleaning my room, nothing. I have felt this same feeling many times throughout the semester, but sparingly, since Fridays only come once a week. But now everyday is a Friday, and it’s killing me.
I have also come to the realization that I will be in Sacramento for another year of my life. At times, when I’m busy with schoolwork in the middle of the semester, it isn’t bad at all. Because I don’t have a chance to reflect on it. But when I have some time alone, I realize that all my friends will probably be graduating next school year, and I will just be completely my transfer agreements. Then at least two more years at a university for me. Whoopity-freaking-do. Congratulations Andrew, American River College isn’t that bad. You’re just two years behind everybody else.
I truly believe something good was supposed to come out of my father losing his job a few years ago, and our decision for me to attend ARC instead. And I have to admit, I probably wouldn’t have pursued Aerospace Engineering to the extent I am now. I know that for sure, since Gonzaga does not offer that major. But maybe I would have become some sort of science major. Who knows? It’s in the past now and I rarely revisit the “what-might-have-beens” of my life.
I don’t know if I believe in God anymore. Not because of my current situation, just because I don’t know if God exists. I want to pray sometimes, but it tends to be selfish and I don’t expect answers anymore. I do try to live my life as a kind, moral person regardless of whether any particular religion says is necessary to gain passage to an afterlife, but that doesn’t always happen anymore. Fuck, I’d love to go to heaven. I just don’t know that it exists. Maybe it does. Maybe I’ll get to talk to all the people I never had time to in my life. Maybe I’ll see my diseased relatives and friends and all the amazing human beings I never had the chance to meet. But I’m not completely convinced. Maybe it’s not that I don’t believe in God, but rather I don’t believe in religion. If there is a God, I’m pretty sure he’s not Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, or any other religious denomination. They’re all too small if God really exists.
I could really go on, and on, and on with many other things related to this post, but I’ve decided to end it here. Typing is always much harder to get my thoughts across.
Anyway, dear reader, I hope you enjoy your Christmas! May your days be merry, and bright…
(PS: Sorry for rambling, lack of consistency, and possibly grammatical mistakes. I wasn’t really paying that much attention this time.)