Spirit of Adventure

I don’t know why I’m like this, but I just have trouble staying interested in girls. It’s like initially I’m attracted, but the more I get to know someone, the less I interested I become.  It sucks, cause I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be truly happy with someone.  Maybe I’m being too picky, but I just don’t think anything will work out in the long run.

I think subconsciously I make a mental list of pros and cons, and while I’m interested, I only see the pros (sometimes intentionally), but at some point, reality hits me, and I start to consider the cons.  Maybe its some kind of coping mechanism so I’ll feel better by having a logical explanation about whatever didn’t happen, or maybe I’m being too analytical.  But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stay blissfully ignorant in any sort of relationship sense.  

Sometimes I feel like the fun part of me died when I got stuck in Sacramento. I have trouble seeing anything in gray anymore.  Maybe gray isn’t the best word, but I tend to categorize things in just black or white so it’s easier for my mathematical mind.  But there’s a whole spectrum of colors in between that make up life; emotions and feelings and things, and I still haven’t figured out what they mean. I think I prefer having one right answer instead of many simply because it’s easier for me to understand that way.

So when it comes to girls, it’s yes or no, but there is currently no “in between” for me.  Perhaps that’s what dates are for, but then again you need a date first.  I haven’t made a lot of permanent friends here, for some reason I always feel they’re somewhat temporary.  Most of my closest friends are still the ones I knew in high school, and I rarely talk to most of them.  Kind of sad, but people here frustrate me most of the time. They tend to be tedious and immature, and I just can’t get along with them.  

I have become very calloused to humanity.  Somedays I think I become more emotionless to deal with everything, but at the same time I wish I had better friends.  It’s a terrible cycle in which I push people away, but expect something from them in return.  Maybe I’ll figure it out someday soon.

I have created a second tumblr, found here at astronauticalvoyager.tumblr.com.  It’s a work in progress, but I intend to update it more frequently than this one.  Also, it is intended to be more public and fun.  Enjoy. 

What do I think about on Christmas Eve, you might ask?  The most depressing things.  I don’t know why, but I tend to get moody around holidays.  Not just Christmas, but most holidays in general.  I’m still trying to figure out why, but I tend to feel loneliest on holidays.  I mean, I see my family and I enjoy it for the most part, but I still have this odd sensation of being alone and I don’t know why.  Also, getting drunk because of certain social holiday expectations has mostly lost its luster for me too.  I’ve been sober since August 4th, and that really surprises me sometimes. 

I think my winter break thus far has felt different because I no longer am employed.  Since I don’t have to go to work a few days out of the week, I have nothing to do.  Literally no obligations whatsoever.  No homework, no cleaning my room, nothing.  I have felt this same feeling many times throughout the semester, but sparingly, since Fridays only come once a week. But now everyday is a Friday, and it’s killing me. 

I have also come to the realization that I will be in Sacramento for another year of my life.  At times, when I’m busy with schoolwork in the middle of the semester, it isn’t bad at all.  Because I don’t have a chance to reflect on it.  But when I have some time alone, I realize that all my friends will probably be graduating next school year, and I will just be completely my transfer agreements.  Then at least two more years at a university for me.  Whoopity-freaking-do.  Congratulations Andrew, American River College isn’t that bad. You’re just two years behind everybody else. 

I truly believe something good was supposed to come out of my father losing his job a few years ago, and our decision for me to attend ARC instead.  And I have to admit, I probably wouldn’t have pursued Aerospace Engineering to the extent I am now.  I know that for sure, since Gonzaga does not offer that major.  But maybe I would have become some sort of science major.  Who knows?  It’s in the past now and I rarely revisit the “what-might-have-beens” of my life.  

I don’t know if I believe in God anymore.  Not because of my current situation, just because I don’t know if God exists.  I want to pray sometimes, but it tends to be selfish and I don’t expect answers anymore.  I do try to live my life as a kind, moral person regardless of whether any particular religion says is necessary to gain passage to an afterlife, but that doesn’t always happen anymore.  Fuck, I’d love to go to heaven.  I just don’t know that it exists.  Maybe it does.  Maybe I’ll get to talk to all the people I never had time to in my life.  Maybe I’ll see my diseased relatives and friends and all the amazing human beings I never had the chance to meet.  But I’m not completely convinced.  Maybe it’s not that I don’t believe in God, but rather I don’t believe in religion.  If there is a God, I’m pretty sure he’s not Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, or any other religious denomination.  They’re all too small if God really exists.  

I could really go on, and on, and on with many other things related to this post, but I’ve decided to end it here.  Typing is always much harder to get my thoughts across.  

Anyway, dear reader, I hope you enjoy your Christmas! May your days be merry, and bright…

Love,

Andrew

(PS: Sorry for rambling, lack of consistency, and possibly grammatical mistakes.  I wasn’t really paying that much attention this time.)

Waiting for a girl to call or text you back is possibly the worst thing ever. Like probably worse than dying, cause at least there’s some finality in that. Normally, I’m almost always patient but my weakness is women. Fuck my stupid feelings for being this way.

Oh, and Merry Christmas!

Love,
Andrew

Hello anyone who still reads this Tumblr,

Hope you all are doing well. Mainly publishing this since I haven’t been on in a while and it’s a dull Friday afternoon/evening in Sacramento.

I am doing very well, and life is actually quite amazing. I’m right about halfway through the semester, and definitely have strong A’s in Physics and Calculus II (like borderline 100%). I have also come the the conclusion that a math-oriented field was where I was meant to be. So that, in combination with my fascination for NASA, outer space, flight, and all other physical wonders man has built or discovered, I have decided to pursue Aerospace Engineering. Now I just have to find the right school to finish off my studies. Fun stuff, senior year all over again. Except I’ll probably still be at ARC next fall to take some engineering classes and other prerequisites. Not so fun. As much as I enjoy solitude, sometimes it can be too much (like Fridays, for example).  I have become more involved in school activities in my leave of absence from Raley’s, which is a good experience for me.  And I meet cool people who share my enthusiasm for science and math! 

However, this whole back thing keeping me from working and doing almost anything physical is really getting quite old.  That’s really the only damper on my life right now.  It’s been since approximately May that I’ve been experiencing low back pain, and although it isn’t constant, it really hasn’t gotten better.  Even without work, the longer my day is, and the longer I have to stand or sit without laying down makes things worse.  So I’m scheduled to see the “back specialist” on November 14th.  Hopefully, we’ll find out what’s wrong and that it won’t be too bad. But overall, that really hasn’t kept me down mentally, just physically.

Lastly for this post, I am going to a orchestral concert with a girl tonight in a little bit.  We’ve hung out a few times over the last year, mostly casual, no real “date” stuff, but I do get a strong feeling that she’s quite into me.  So she invited me tonight because she has to go for a class, and I said sure.  Not super excited, but we’ll see how it goes.  She’s very nice, and quite cute, but seems too be a little too shy for me sometimes.  Honestly, I do like being single, but occasionally, I wonder if I should try dating again.  Several girls come into mind, some whose numbers I don’t actually have, so not an option at the moment.  But I’ve never really decided I’ve wanted to give up being free and single, so I haven’t actively pursued spittin’ game.  Maybe tonight will bring some answers to some of those questions.  Again, I guess we’ll see how things play out.  

So for now, take care and much love from Sacramento, 

Andrew